I am overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by possibilities. By ideas. By guilt.
I am so, so lucky. I am safe and well, and I have all this time on my hands. Why am I not using it better?
There are letters to write and books to read. Plants to plant and paintings to paint. Dresses to sew and new recipes to try.
I should be fitter. More creative. Better connected. Doing more.
There is a Spanish dictionary sitting on my desk that I should memorise.
There are stories in my head that I should write.
There are so many things that I should give my attention to.
I should, I should, I should.
Instead, I find myself paralysed. There are too many options. So many good and wonderful things I could be doing.
And so I binge my way through The Tiger King and let the weeds in the garden grow taller. I eat chocolate ice-cream in my pyjamas and watch You’ve Got Mail. My dishes pile up in the sink, because I know they’ll sit there patiently for another day. Another day. There’s always another.
So what’s the point of doing anything today?
I’m grateful to live in a place where I am safe and well. I’m so privileged to have everything that I need.
But so many times, I feel these blessings resting heavily on my back. Instead of feeling grateful for this gift of time, I’m consumed by the weight of it - the burden of receiving a gift that I can’t repay.
Recently, though, God has been teaching me about stewardship. About how using the gifts and resources He has given me is a way that I can glorify him. He is showing me how to find focus, and to take each day as a new opportunity.
On a practical note, I'm learning to keep it simple. Every night, I write a short to-do list for the next day. No matter what there is to do, I write these things at the top of each list:
Have quiet time with Papa (God)
Get outside/be active
Love someone on purpose
Some days, it looks like a beach walk and a takeaway coffee with my sister. Others, it’s a morning of stillness with Papa, a run with a friend and a laugh over FaceTime. My 'achievements' right now might not look big and significant and Instagram-worthy. But, at the end of it all, if I can keep God at the centre, stay physically & emotionally well, and have loved the people around me - I will choose to be content.
I don't believe that God expects me to be fluent in Spanish by next month. I probably won't finish writing a novel in a few weeks, or have learned a new instrument and run a half-marathon and written letters to all the people that I want to.
There will always be more good things to do than I can ever hope to get done.
But I can make a start.
Because if my future is really just made up of my today, over and over...
I want to make it a darn good today.
p.s. Who wants to be my pen-pal? Send me your address, and let's bring back the joy of snail-mail. x