Today a friend asked me if I was down. "You don't seem like yourself," she said.
And it’s true, I wasn’t myself. My words came out slowly, and I couldn’t focus long enough to make eye contact. Smiling took energy that I didn’t have.
I wasn't down, though. I tried to explain it to her; how I’m really happy on the inside, but that there are days when I haven’t slept and I’m so tired that my head spins and my fingers go numb and I don’t have the energy to be bubbly.
Two nights ago, it happened. I didn’t sleep. It’s become a familiar pattern, so I tried not to panic when it was 1am and my head was still erupting with thoughts & ideas.
By 2:30am, I was sick of kicking my wall in tired frustration, so I got up and decided to have a go at sewing a skirt from scratch.
At 5:45am I finished sewing the skirt, hung it sleepily on a hanger, and curled up in bed.
I started the next day on an hour and a half of sleep. A nap, really. Not ideal.
I had breakfast with a friend, went to work, played soccer, and came home feeling like I’d failed.
I didn't want to be seen as a complainer or exaggerator, so I'd tried my best to put up an energetic front. I kicked myself for not doing a better job at hiding the tiredness. I was scared that the people I’d been with would think I was rude or bad at conversations and not worth spending time with.
Not-sleeping has been something I’ve struggled with for a while now, and I won’t lie: some weeks it’s made things really, really hard.
But I am learning to show grace to myself, and to be kind to my head when it doesn’t fit the mould of what it’s supposed to do.
I’m trying not to be angry when the moon keeps me up, or when my brain is more interested in imagining and analysing than getting rest.
My nights might not be what they should be at the moment, but I’m starting to make the most of what they are. I know that they'll get better.
So here’s me in a pretty mustard-coloured skirt that I made when I should have been sleeping. I’m tired, but I’m happy. SO happy.
Thanks for being part of the ups and the downs, friends. x
p.s. Many kind, beautiful people in my life have tried to help me with advice for sleeping. I’m grateful to them. So please know that I’ve tried all the things, and I’m getting there. Papa God is so good, and he brings me peace and rest when I need it most.